I am a friend of God...

This song has been on my lips for the past few days, and it's such a reassurance...

As the year slowly but surely draws to a close, it's time to bring out the diary and go through all the goals and resolutions for 2007. Funny thing is, I can't quite remember even wanting to do these things. I feel like a completely different person to that person who wanted the things I am looking at on my list. In fact, I am sure I am. The year started out one way, and is ending on another, much happier note.

Looking back, I remember where I was a year ago, spiritually, mentally and physically. So many hurdles have been overcome, so many battles have been fought. You win some, you lose some. The joy is in the experience, and I am convinced that no experience in life is wasted. It may not make sense at the time of going through, but it will eventually unfold when the situation for which it is required comes to pass.

I decided to start this blog because I was in a state of limbo on another blog:

www.myspace.com/fola77

and that has been the smartest move I could have made in the situation I found myself. I am not the same person I was in December 2006, or January 2007, or July 2007, or even August 2007. I can confidently say I have grown, and I have moved -on and up!- and though I have not arrived at my final destination, I am on my way, and it is alright as my pastor says... I love writing, I find it very therapeutic. I especially love writing about my experiences, my interactions with other people. What do you do though, when the one thing that you feel you can find solace is, is exactly what is making you sad/depressed/unwell??? Reading through some of the things I had written was making me unhappy, and I sure managed to work myself into some sort of 'writer's block' so I had to step back, take time out and really reflect on my life at that point in time.

My actual lived experience and my writing experience were growing increasingly different, and it was almost as if there were two different people co-existing in me. Strange, but true. There are certain truths I know - I like to write, I want to write, I was born to write. There are also certain realities that can shake your existence to the core. Being in a bad relationship, and being so far gone as not to recognize it as such is bad. Choosing to stay in such a relationship and trying to make things work against all odds is a whole new level of BEing and existing; because that is all you do, you exist, your world starts to revolve around that relationship, all the things you are and do that jeopardize it, and how you can mend the error of your ways. Even as I am writing this, I don't think that woman was me, but that is the truth. Knowing that I could sink so low as to give up MY first love, my sense of worth, my fundamental beliefs, has been truly liberating. It just goes to show that no amount of 'Christianese' can erase our deepest fears.

I know now where it all went wrong, and I found out by going back to basics. I had to first of all repair my relationship with God, then with myself, and now with everyone around me. The breakdown of a relationship can make you go mad. It can also open your eyes to the endless opportunities you have and never took because you were too busy BEing in a relationship. Since that break up, I've been doing a lot of other 'breaking ups'. Unnecessary friendships, draining acquaintances, depressing fellowships soon went the way of that relationship. By cutting loose from the major hindrance, all the niggling hindrances fell away. It's amazing how we hold on tightly to things/people and God is just waiting on the other end for us to let go so He can bless us with greater and better situations and relationships.

Stepping away from 'people', looking up to Jesus, reconnecting with Him has been an enriching experience. I feel so much stronger, I feel happier. It is not always easy, but I feel like I have a stable base now, a core that cannot be shaken. I am standing on and speaking from a place of knowledge and understanding that my God is my ultimate friend and confidante. I can always put my trust in Him and He will come through for me. These past few weeks have been tough. This season makes people remember and reconnect, and of course there are people out there who have no idea what I have done, or where I have been this past year. All I can say is, that I have reached a place of peace and calm, and from that place, I can say: God's will be done, now and forever more. He knows best, and I trust Him.

He calls me friend, stubborn, sinful, aggressive, domineering, forceful, know it all, always have the last word, vain, proud, ultimately silly me... He KNOWS me, and still He calls me His friend. He called me, and He accepted me. If He is for me, who can be against me? It is indeed amazing.