I am a friend of God...

This song has been on my lips for the past few days, and it's such a reassurance...

As the year slowly but surely draws to a close, it's time to bring out the diary and go through all the goals and resolutions for 2007. Funny thing is, I can't quite remember even wanting to do these things. I feel like a completely different person to that person who wanted the things I am looking at on my list. In fact, I am sure I am. The year started out one way, and is ending on another, much happier note.

Looking back, I remember where I was a year ago, spiritually, mentally and physically. So many hurdles have been overcome, so many battles have been fought. You win some, you lose some. The joy is in the experience, and I am convinced that no experience in life is wasted. It may not make sense at the time of going through, but it will eventually unfold when the situation for which it is required comes to pass.

I decided to start this blog because I was in a state of limbo on another blog:

www.myspace.com/fola77

and that has been the smartest move I could have made in the situation I found myself. I am not the same person I was in December 2006, or January 2007, or July 2007, or even August 2007. I can confidently say I have grown, and I have moved -on and up!- and though I have not arrived at my final destination, I am on my way, and it is alright as my pastor says... I love writing, I find it very therapeutic. I especially love writing about my experiences, my interactions with other people. What do you do though, when the one thing that you feel you can find solace is, is exactly what is making you sad/depressed/unwell??? Reading through some of the things I had written was making me unhappy, and I sure managed to work myself into some sort of 'writer's block' so I had to step back, take time out and really reflect on my life at that point in time.

My actual lived experience and my writing experience were growing increasingly different, and it was almost as if there were two different people co-existing in me. Strange, but true. There are certain truths I know - I like to write, I want to write, I was born to write. There are also certain realities that can shake your existence to the core. Being in a bad relationship, and being so far gone as not to recognize it as such is bad. Choosing to stay in such a relationship and trying to make things work against all odds is a whole new level of BEing and existing; because that is all you do, you exist, your world starts to revolve around that relationship, all the things you are and do that jeopardize it, and how you can mend the error of your ways. Even as I am writing this, I don't think that woman was me, but that is the truth. Knowing that I could sink so low as to give up MY first love, my sense of worth, my fundamental beliefs, has been truly liberating. It just goes to show that no amount of 'Christianese' can erase our deepest fears.

I know now where it all went wrong, and I found out by going back to basics. I had to first of all repair my relationship with God, then with myself, and now with everyone around me. The breakdown of a relationship can make you go mad. It can also open your eyes to the endless opportunities you have and never took because you were too busy BEing in a relationship. Since that break up, I've been doing a lot of other 'breaking ups'. Unnecessary friendships, draining acquaintances, depressing fellowships soon went the way of that relationship. By cutting loose from the major hindrance, all the niggling hindrances fell away. It's amazing how we hold on tightly to things/people and God is just waiting on the other end for us to let go so He can bless us with greater and better situations and relationships.

Stepping away from 'people', looking up to Jesus, reconnecting with Him has been an enriching experience. I feel so much stronger, I feel happier. It is not always easy, but I feel like I have a stable base now, a core that cannot be shaken. I am standing on and speaking from a place of knowledge and understanding that my God is my ultimate friend and confidante. I can always put my trust in Him and He will come through for me. These past few weeks have been tough. This season makes people remember and reconnect, and of course there are people out there who have no idea what I have done, or where I have been this past year. All I can say is, that I have reached a place of peace and calm, and from that place, I can say: God's will be done, now and forever more. He knows best, and I trust Him.

He calls me friend, stubborn, sinful, aggressive, domineering, forceful, know it all, always have the last word, vain, proud, ultimately silly me... He KNOWS me, and still He calls me His friend. He called me, and He accepted me. If He is for me, who can be against me? It is indeed amazing.

Tough times don't last, but tough people do

That's what my sweet darling AA told me a few days ago in response to an apology I sent him by text following a conversation that started out great, and descended into a heated discussion, and being the gentle soul that he is, he just appeased me...

On reflection, I realized I had been aggressive, and reacting to the things he was saying based on the way I was feeling generally about other things. Just two days before, I had a very passionate conversation with another friend which ended up on a negative note. He also apologized for 'whatever he had done wrong' and on reflection, and having had conversations with some other than myself about it, I realize that I was reacting to him based on a past experience, and KNEW I had to go back and apologize to him. Now, whatever people may say, pride is stronger than most other traits.

So I've found myself apologizing over the past couple of days, and I actually feel better for it. It is obvious that I am 'reacting' to people around me because of my own inner 'battles' and a general discontent with my status quo. What I cannot really pinpoint, is WHY I am feeling this way, and why at this point in time. Realizing the root cause of my behaviour is one thing, having to explain it to someone else is another. When AA sent me the reply above, I almost broke down in tears. I was just overwhelmed at the confidence he had in me, as a 'tough person' because God knows I don't feel that way at all right now. I feel overwhelmed, I feel like the clouds are hanging over me, it's as if something unpleasant is lurking around the corner, waiting to happen. Worrier that I am, I am already bothered about that negative occurence.

Thank God for friends like AA, who lift me up when I'm down, who believe and trust in me, regardless. I am also greatful to my other friend, who not only accepted my apology, but also empathized with my root cause for concern. You KNOW who you are... THANK YOU. Circumstances are similar, but people are different and it's time to begin living and enjoying life again. So what if I trust someone, love them and have them betray me??? Well, it is better to have loved and lost, than not to have ever experienced love at all. Love is a wonderful thing, and it sure does NOT hurt. God is love, and I want to be more like Him.

So, regardless of my 'feeling' I recognize that I am tough, because this God who loves and cares for me, placed that strength to overcome 'ALL THINGS' within me from creation. I KNOW that I know that my redeemer lives and replenishes my strength daily.

it's been a while

It has sure been a while since I last posted something. In that time, a lot has happened to me, and to people around me. A dear friend lost two family members within 24 hours, my girlfriend was buried along with her unborn child, I've had my car vandalized...

Throughout all these, the one constant in my life, has been God. If it had not been for Him, I don't know where I would be. It's like sometimes I feel that life is closing in on me. I see huge, dark clouds on my horizon, I feel lost within my own despair and depression, and begin to think there is no tomorrow, that all this sadness will engulf me and turn me into a prozac dependent long term resident of a mental ward in some East End hospital...

Somehow, somewhere, I receive a verse in the mail, or by text, and it speaks to my situation. I do my daily devotions so half heartedly some mornings, and STILL something always stays with me for the rest of the day. That something carries me through that day, and I am grateful because I know that it is God speaking to my situation.

I haven't written in a while because I have been going through a metamorphosis. I feel like I have been 'reborn' Like a new phase has started in my life, and I can't wait to share all the exciting things along this journey. In particular, I had a chat with a man of God the other day, and it was a real eye-opener. It made me think about 'names' and their significance, especially in Yoruba culture. It also made me think of a term in German 'Rufname' which means the name by which you are called -this may not necessarily be your given name- and I to think hard about my 'Rufname' and my given name...

Once I have his express permission to share that chat, I will. Otherwise, I will just write around it. It was very insightful though, so I would love to share with you. Watch this space...

What's your signature?

I was chatting with a brother -friend, a man of God a while ago, and next to his 'id' was the following statement: 'you cannot truly witness till you have truly witnessed' Not only did his 'id' catch my attention, this statement definitely made me stop and think, and the following chat ensued...

http://fola77.blogspot.com/ says: itz soooooooooo true, datz wot i keep tellg pple who 'ooh' and 'aaah' me abt my foot if i don't really understand pain, how can i help pple overcome their pain?
n who says i can't b useful 'despite' a dis-ability?
Flowing River says: true
http://fola77.blogspot.com/ says: i believe Jacob had a mobile dis-ability afta his encounter wit d angel of God...?
http://fola77.blogspot.com/ says: rite, Pastor?
Flowing River says: rite my daughter
http://fola77.blogspot.com/ says: d Bible didn't mention his disjointed foot bein healed, eva
Flowing River says: nope
http://fola77.blogspot.com/ says: so, there's my testimony!
http://fola77.blogspot.com/ says: lol
http://fola77.blogspot.com/ says: hahaha
Flowing River says: it became his signature
http://fola77.blogspot.com/ says: thx, Pastor
http://fola77.blogspot.com/ says: dis sure cld b mine, rite?
http://fola77.blogspot.com/ says: when I 'become'
Flowing River says: a mark to remind him of his encounter and the blessing
http://fola77.blogspot.com/ says: amen 2 dat
Flowing River says: Some marks remind us of shame
Flowing River says: some of victory
http://fola77.blogspot.com/ says: hmmm, u're givg me inspiration 4 my blog
http://fola77.blogspot.com/ says: keep it comg
http://fola77.blogspot.com/ says: lol
Flowing River says: Some invite people to ask...how did that happen
Flowing River says: and we get another opportuity to share a testimony of God's saving grace
Flowing River says: COPYRITE!
http://fola77.blogspot.com/ says: hmm
http://fola77.blogspot.com/ says: food 4 thot
Flowing River says:!

I will let this stand as it is...

Gone too soon...

I logged onto facebook yesterday -as you do- and saw an RIP message on a friend's profile. This message caught my attention because of the name of the person concerned. The friend on whose profile I read is, someone I met in the UK sometime in 2002, because we attend the same Church, and we soon became good friends. The person concerned is someone I met on holiday in 1996, and I would never have brought the two in connection with one another, so I sent a message to my friend asking where his 'friend' was, and how he knew her, hoping it would be one of those strange instances where people share the exact same first and last name, afterall, I've a few people like that, and they were not even remotely related to, nor knew about each other till I met them. I am yet to hear back from my friend...

Meanwhile, I dashed onto gmail, to find a mutual friend of the person concerned, and although she was not available at the time, I left a message requesting for our friend's married name. I then sent text messages to any and everyone I could think of that knew us both, hoping to get some sort of feedback, and praying fervently that 'no news is good news'. Our mutual friend replied saying she had heard the tragic news, and was still in shock over it. Apparently, the person in question passed away a week ago after a brief illness. I was so overwhelmed, I could not type for a minute or so. When I recovered, I probed a bit further, and it turned out she was suffering from an illness I had no idea about. It just made it so real at that moment that, it is possible to know someone, and not really know them. It also brought home the fact that we had lived side by side in the UK for almost two years, and I had not once spoken to her, or seen her. I always 'planned to surprise her one day' by tagging along with one of our mutual friends, but the cares and worries of this world always came between. I also realized that, as close as I am to some of our other friends, I've not physically seen them in months, some years, and I can't even say I know anything about their daily lives, talkless of their ills, discomforts, joys, sadnesses, etc.

Does that make us less or worse friends to each other? I really don't know. All I do know is that last week, a beautiful young daughter, mother, sister, wife, friend, cousin passed away and that was definitely not a part of her plan for her life. The one assurance I have, and I wish to share with all our friends is that: she has gone to a better place. She is free from the illness, the sick body, the pain. Sure, we will all miss her, but is it fair on her to be here with us and suffering so much pain? I don't know the answer to that. God's way is the only true and proper way, and I believe His will for her life was done, even in the short space of her 20 -odd years on earth. We should not be sad about her death, rather we should rejoice in the priviledge of knowing her, and travelling a part of her journey here with her, no matter how brief. I am glad to have known you, dear friend. May your soul rest in divine peace till we meet again. Much love to your family, now and always. It is well with you all!

public holidays et al

Yesterday, Friday was a public holiday here in Austria, and the whole city of Vienna was on holiday, I guess...

It was really quiet in an already quiet town, all the shops were closed for the day and the few people that ventured out didn't stay long either. By 11am when we headed out to Stockerau, a few more people had gathered round the train station. Stockerau was even more deserted than Vienna, and having fewer houses/inhabitants, the wind was much stronger and it felt colder than it actually was.

On arrival, we took a short walk across the city centre to our friends' place, and I got to see the beauty of this little place for the first time, in daylight. From the cute cinema, to the Church, to the Museum, and even a High School, I was just impressed with how untouched the whole place seemed by 'modern technology' and how peaceful it was to stroll through the town, hardly a soul, or car in sight. Again, I had the 'Faustus-moment' and quickly brushed it aside, expressing a silent gratitude for the essence of life, and my presence here instead.

We had fish, baked mushrooms, wild rice and 3 different types of salad as a main course, by the end of which I was more than full. Then we had tea, and I got an 'acupuncture session' which sent me straight to Noddyland... I woke up, and it was time to come back home. All in all, a relaxed, fulfilling national holiday, and I was glad to see my bed when I got home.

Today, Saturday, we went to the northern shopping centre with friends to do some shopping. I've always been an H&M girl, through and through, and I could not resist the impulse to walk in there, even if I knew I was not buying anything. Feeding one's eyes has never been a crime -that I know of anyway- so, off I went. Thank God my Dad was around, because an item or two did catch my attnetion, and was screaming to be taken off the hanger and straight into my wardrobe -unbelievable, how very vocal these things can be!!!

We got back, had lunch and now I'm feeling an afternoon nap coming on....

Home is where the heart is...

I was 'encouraged' by an old friend to come and visit for the evening as she calls it, and blackmailed into leaving my house as I call it. She lives in a town in Lower Austria called St. Poelten, and one thing led to another, I missed the fast train, which normally covers the journey in just under 40minutes, and took a regional train on which the journey lasted 90mins.

On arrival, the first thing she told me was 'you are staying'! All you need is a change of clothes to sleep in, and you can leave anytime tomorrow. It was raining, she is the boss, on her turf, I wasn't going to argue with her. She owns the ONLY African/Caribbeab store in the whole town, and it has become more of a meeting point for almost every black inhabitant of that town from what I witnessed. It's a cute little place packed with afro hair and beauty products, food from all over the continent, and of course, drinks specific to our needs -malt, soursop, coconut and pineapple, I think I even caught a glimpse of 'Nigerian Guinness'

So, contrary to plans, I stayed over, and spent the best part of yesterday with her and her family, and came back to Vienna in the evening, to dine with a dear friend and brother in his new flat... Dinner consisted of fish he had caught himself(!), baked with aubergines, couscous and veggie sauce. It was delightfully delicious...

I was so 'full up' I could barely move, but the journey home had to be made, and I eventually left his place at around 10pm. Got home just before 11pm, and was so knocked out, all I wanted to see was my bed...

Day 1 @ home

I arrived safely yesterday morning, and it has been a dream come true. Home IS where the heart lies, and I definitely appreciate being home again.

I was picked up from the airport by my family, and driven straight home. On getting there, my Dad was on hand to help with offloading my stuff, and the others were immediately discharged. This is the first time I am seeing my Dad this year, so we had enough to catch up on. It turns out he is off work the whole of this week, so I will be seeing a lot of him around the house -that's certainly a relief. As much as I want my peace and quiet, just knowing that another living soul is within these four walls is a good thing for the soul.

We spent the rest of the day talking about evcerything you could possibly imagine, and had guests in the afternoon. We continued our catch up session after the guests left, and had a late dinner at a local restaurant. Today, I just stayed indoors and wrote... I also tried revising for the (driving) theory est, but wasn't quite feeling that, and soon went back to writing. Tomorrow, I will venture out. I will take some pictures of this amazing city to share with you here then. Till then, it's Gute Nacht from me.

5 years on...

Exactly five years ago today, I had what I thought would be a life ending encounter with a certain vehicle just outside a North London tube station...

What the enemy meant for evil, God has turned around for my good. I am currently in a place I consider to be my HOME, here on earth anyway -since the only true home we all have is in God- and I would not wish to be anywhere else on a day like today.

A lot of events have occured, friends have come and gone, relationships have started and ended, and through it all, I've come to realize that I am truly blessed, and therefore NO MAN, I repeat NO MAN can touch, break, destroy or kill me. I am also now fully appreciating that NO CIRCUMSTANCE is beyond God's capacity to do good, or turn things around.

Biodap, I started that book... I will be posting snippets of it from now on, and looking forward to your critical analysis of it. I wish you well, my friend.

To everyone that has walked with me over the past five years, a sincere tHaNk YoU from the bottom of my heart. I value your friendship, I appreciate you, I pray God's blessings upon your life forever and ever

He is with me, ALWAYS

Psalm 121

¹I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.

²My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth.

³He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber.

⁴Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand.

⁶The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night.

⁷The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.

⁸The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.

the timeframe between a problem and its solution, is equivalent to the distance between one's knees and the floor...

Have I mentioned before that I am number ONE at beating myself up? Believe me no-one does that better than I do! When it rains, it pours...it has been pouring merciless showers of bad encounter after bad encounter in my life and I am beginning to feel really sorry for myself.

I was having a less than average day to start with, and then someone I considered to be a good friend did some things to rile me up, and my day went from bad to worse. It was as if someone came at me with a sharp edged sword, thrust it in and twisted it over and over again. My chest felt tight, and and I could not breathe for about half a second. I physically felt my heart break, and the pieces scattered all around my stomach and upper ribcage. I could feel my ribcage caving into my back and generally felt weak, and sick to the core of my being. I felt betrayed, I felt exposed, and most of all, I felt discouraged. It just made me remember where I was two months ago, and how I felt about it. It was as if I was going through another break up. Right there and then, I knew this relationship had run its course. For that loss, I cried... I wept in my spirit till I could not bear it anymore, then I got down on my knees and prayed. I don't even know the exact words I prayed, I just got down there, and cried out to God in my Spirit...

I asked for Him to take away the hurt, the anger, the pain, and mend my broken heart, heal my wounded parts. I felt a lot better, and went back to my desk. Though the situation is unresolved, in my mind, it is done, FINISHED, over. It is well, time to move on. It came home to me more than ever that there is only so much love you can pour into a person, if they are not pouring back into you, you've just got to let go. There is only so much trust you can put in another human being, if it is not reciprocated, it's time to move on. You've got to make up your mind to BE happy, and work hard to STAY happy, regardless. For the sake of my peace of mind, I opt out of this friendship, I am definitely taking the highway, and I am looking to God for strength, and the staying power to get over even this. I am only now beginning to realize, just how resilient I am, actually. The things I think would break me, and I avoid doing, have 'happened to me', and I am here to tell the story. What makes me think I am weak, or fragile, or vulnerable? Nevertheless, NOT I, but Christ in me, my assurance of victory over tribulations and trials of this world. I am hanging on to my faith, clinging on to my hope, believing HIM for my testimony, ON MY KNEES!

Infinity: Only Praise

I'm feeling this song right now. Only praise CAN take me higher, I am grateful for divine favour!

Olori Oko (Infinity)

the King is coming..

Infinity ---- Aye Ole

nuff said

Nicole C. Mullen - Call On Jesus

..all things are possible

Nicole C. Mullen-Redeemer

MY redeemer lives...

Stand - Donnie McClurkin

I've done all that I can, now I am just STANDing...

Pastor Marvin Winans and Pastor Donnie McClurkin

morning by morning, new mercies I see...all I have needed His hands have provided. Great is MY God's faithfulness unto me

Donnie McClurkin

Our God is a good God, YES he is! He lifted me up,turned me around, set my feet on higher ground...

donnie mcclurkin ooh child

This is my assurance of faith. No matter what I am going through right now, things are going to get easier...

Gabriellle - Out Of Reach

Speaks from my heart...

Divine peace

Finding time to blog is getting increasingly difficult. Moreso because I have made up my mind to get off the internet by 11pm daily from now on. This whole internet social networking stuff can be addictive, and is seriously messing with my schedules both literally and metaphorically speaking.

I find myself sleeping at odd hours, waking up at the same time each morning though, and feeling so lethargic for the better part of the day. It is also preventing me from doing basic things like working out first thing in the mornings, and slowly eating into my meditation time as well. Now that, is a sign of impending danger, and I know it.

Yes, I am always out and about; always upbeat, and could wake up from deep slumber and be 'wide awake' and 'ready to party' in an instant, what really keeps me going, is the solid assurance that God is on my side, and His spirit is inside of me. When I can't/don't find the time to communicate with Him, I make decisions that impact negatively on my life, and have extremely dire consequences. A song comes to mind which says: 'in the calm if your presence, I am listening Lord, I am still, I am quiet, I am yours' That song speaks from my heart... It's in the quiet times, when you are really still and open, and receptive that you can hear God's voice properly.

I feel like I've been through a fire, and come out victorious. I also feel like I have been put through a coaching session for a specific test, and the test date suddenly got changed to an earlier date. I have been reading and meditating about a lot of issues lately, especially relational. I have listened to countless messages about this topic as well, and they have helped me through what promised to be a rough patch. Now when I think I am back on my feet, I suddenly find myself in a situation where it seems like all I have learnt so far is being put to test, and I just can't remember any of what I have learnt.

It's funny how just a few weeks back, I was convinced that there must have been something wrong with me for a relationship that lasted nearly two years to crumble around me. Now, I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is nothing wrong with me, there was something wrong with the situation, and even that, was not my fault. I was emotionally abused, yes, but I enabled that abuse, I allowed it. The real test, is in moving on from that, getting over it and keeping the memory as a valuable life lesson. I know I am no longer the person I was before I got deeply involved in that situation. I also know that I am no longer the person I was within that relationship. I am on my way back to me, it's alright, and I will eventually find my feet again. Until then, this young lady is enjoying being separate, unique and whole in God- a true single.

So, with all the up and down, here and there, my one true joy, is in being by myself, alone, with my God, in the comfort of my home, conversing with Him freely. Then, I am at peace, I am content, I am happy. I wish you the same!

My fun filled first October weekend

Here I was promising to tell you about my weekend and the next one is upon us already!

Friday was a great day! I went to work as usual, came home with my adopted babysis, dressed up and went to pick up a darling friend and his guest -visiting from the US of A... We went to NTYCE for Nigeria Independence Day preParty, and at midnight we were amongst the first to arrive. Awkwardly, we made our way to what seemed like a cosy corner of the room and settled into the odd looking seats available there. So we sat there, and there was a cold breeze coming in from I don't know where, that I had to go out and get my jumper...

Things eventually picked up around 2am, and I danced like I haven't danced in years. Again, I have the to say neither the venue, nor the crowd was my scene, but the company MORE THAN made up for it. We sure had a lot of fun once the music kicked in. To top it all up, there was a surprise performance by Sir Shina Peters... At the end of the night, we went to drop off my friend and his guest, then headed home. We had made plans to have breakfast at 11am with the guys, so they could go on and shop, and I could braid my sis' hair. Well, I woke up at 1pm and it took me almost a half hour to get out of bed. When I eventually did, we made pancakes and I called the guys to reschedule for a lunch meeting. We then started braiding.

We took a brief break when the guys arrived, had lunch with them and continued. We finished just before 10pm, and had to get dressed -again- to go for a friend's birthday party across town. On the way there, we picked up my soulsistah, my sister in spirit, one who makes me laugh uncontrollably, even AT MYSELF and I just knew the outing would be fun, either way. Trust me, it was. We had a great time, the music was fun, the food was fab and the atmosphere was generally so relaxed, we could not have asked for more. At the end of the night, we dropped my friends off one by one, and headed home for a few hours' rest. Got up and headed straight to the guys' place, to drive our 'guest' to the airport and bid him farewell.. back to the US.

From the airport, we headed back to my friend's place, and I just crashed out on his over-comfy bed. He woke up at some point and cooked a fantastic lunch, and I admit I overate, but it was fingerlicking good, and my appetite has never been known to suffer any setbacks. It's now almost 2am and if I don't hit the sack pretty soon, I may not sleep at all again this weekend, we have a few things lined up! More on that later....

God makes EVERYTHING beautiful, in HIS OWN time

There's a song by Donnie McClurkin and Dottie Peoples, which goes something like this: our God is never too late, never too early, but right on time...

This last weekend has been a testimony of God's faithfulness, mercy and favour. I had such a funfilled weekend, and even when I was told some bad news on Saturday, I STILL believed God that MY testimony was perfect, and I CHOSE to hold on to His promises that whatever He does, is forever, and that He makes everything perfectly, and beautiful, in His own time.

When I made up my mind to attend Naija Independence Day pre-Party 2007 -even though I had my reservations about the venue- little did I know that it would become a night to remember. I will tell you about that night, and the rest of the weekend later on. I had so much fun this weekend, I was surrounded by good people, we had a lot to share, and we had a lot to give and pour into each other. There is something about fellowship, I just believe in relationships, and I believe in doing whatever it takes to cultivate and maintain contact with friends, no matter how, where, when. Just do the little you can, and you will be amazed at the rewards.

Even as I write this blog, I have a mini testimony, regarding a job! I mean, I know that in this day and age, and especially the 'economic climate' of most European countries, when people are out there frantically searching for jobs, I was not only recently 'surprised' by God with a payrise, I was 'offered' a job. What people go out searching for, came looking for me. I pray that even as you are witness to my testimony, God will make a way for you, uncommon doors will open in your life from now on, favour will follow you around, God will surprise you in a way that the world will look at you and know, and say, that GOD DID IT! He will bless you with a blessing that NO MAN can claim glory for, YOUR testimony will be perfect in Jesus' name.

I wish you a fabulous week ahead, and I pray you find fulfilment in whatever you do to fill the hours of your day. May you really be blessed this week, exceedingly, abundantly, above and beyond your expectation.

More about the weekend later in the week.

p.s. my big brother, friend and confidante in the Lord, I have missed you so much, I am glad to have you back in my life -literally and physically- thanks for being you, and thanks for being my friend. Thank you for the words of wisdom you shared tonight, and thank you for dinner. It is always a pleasure spending time in your company, we appreciate you -YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! I love you, and your beautiful wife, my sister in the Lord... Thanks to you both!!!

where is God in your situation?

There's a guy a I used to know, he was a liar and a cheat, and took any and every opportunity to take advantage of any and everybody around him. I'll call him Jacob.

Jacob did not believe in tithing, he said pastors stole the money, and he wasn't going to make any man rich from the sweat of his own brows. In fact, he wanted to start his own parish, because he believed that the 'church business' was a lucrative one. I used to laugh it off as one of those things. Jacob had been out of work for a while, and when he finally got a job on a contract basis, he refused to declare, much less pay income tax. I thought maybe he did not know what to do, and even gave him some tips on registering one's self as self employed, etc. Jacob happily ignored my advice. What did I expect anyway? A man who steals from God, has no fear of God. How on earth could he fear, or have respect for any human? If he can't pay tithe, what will make him pay his taxes???

Jacob got more and more contract work to do, and just raked the cash in. At some point, he had to get a co-worker. The co-worker transported them from place to place, and Jacob did all the paperwork. Adding a few more miles on the mileage receipt, a few more pounds to the phone bills, and even requesting for my(!) lunch receipts were another way of boosting his pay that he thought nothing of. He even began keeping some of the equipments he was meant to be using for work, and at some point started selling them to willing buyers with no questions asked... At some point, his co-worker got a better offer and moved on, and Jacob had to find a replacement. What better to do than to call on an old friend?

One day, Jacob told me he had a confession to make... He had told his friend that they were being paid half of the actual income, so in actual fact he was paying himself three quarters, and the friend was getting a meagre one quarter. Now, this friend of his has a few mouths to feed, and even ignoring that fact, it just did not sound right to me, and I voiced my opinion -as usual- only to be told that the friend had cheated him out of some money when they were younger and it was now payback time...oh, well. I told him it wasn't right, and just left it at that. The thing is, I don't think I ever paid much attention to the fact that Jacob was a common thief, a liar and a cheat until the day he stole from ME.

I had run out of cash, and asked my Mum for a tenner. I placed it on my sister's bed as I dressed up. While I was getting ready, the doorbell rang and I went to get it. It was Jacob. I let him in and went to the living room. He took off his shoes, and went to say hi to my Mum, and then went straight to my room - THE meeting point - and I followed shortly after. I glanced at the bed and the tenner wasn't there, so I assumed it had dropped off the bed. I went to get my shoes, bag, overcoat and came back to 'pick up' the tenner. It was nowhere to be found. I checked under the bed, under my bed, on the bedside drawers, every nook and cranny of the room I could think of-nothing! I thought maybe I had absentmindedly taken it with me at some point, so I wandered to the living room, ventured to the kitchen and snooped around the toilet and bathroom -no chance. Jacob had gone into the living room to watch TV while I frantically but silently searched for my tenner. Eventually, I shouted out to my Mum to ask if she had seen what I did with it, and crossed over from the kitchen to my bedroom.

Jacob crept in behind me, and my Mum replied that I had gone straight into my room and I should go and check in there. Jacob pulled a ten pound note out of his pocket and handed it to me saying is this the one you are looking for? I found it on your sister's bed. I asked what he would have done, had I not shouted and drawn attention, and he said he was actually waiting for someone to 'look for it' so he could give it back. I reminded him that this was MY home, and nothing in there belonged to him. For it to be lying around, it belonged to someone in this house, and it would be nice for them to find it where they left it. He said he wouldn't have kept it, he would have given it back, was just waiting for the owner to report it missing...

Now, someone who can conveniently steal a tenner from me right under my nose, within my own home. How much more can he do? I asked myself this question so many times after that. I realized that, not pro-actively preventing him from stealing from other people, I was encouraging/tolerating his actions and therefore was as bad as he was. The funniest thing is, his favourite saying is 'people with whom you go stealing, will one day steal from you' Isn't THAT ironic? I always used to ask Jacob 'where is God in your situation' whenever I felt he was doing something wrong. I guess he hardly did anything right, I asked him time without number and after a while it just didn't matter anymore. Now where is God in MY situation? Do you have a Jacob in your life? What are you doing about him/her? Like Jacob in the Bible, mine is a great deceiver. Unlike Jacob in the Bible, he is yet to pray his breakthrough. All I can do, and all I DO do, is stand in the gap for my friend... till the day he fights for and receives his blessing, and is delivered from himself.

Just got back from holiday, need another holiday already...

Getting a day off work is always a cool thing. I always look forward to it anyway...

So, I got to take last Friday off work, and went to see my family in Cork, Ireland. My flight was at 6.25am, and I arrived around 7.30am. The flight was quite uneventful, I did not even read a page of the book I took along (The Inheritance of Loss by Kiran Desai, it's a great book, highly recommended) and slept through the whole journey. As soon as I landed, I was picked up and we drove into a neighbouring town, where I had pastry and hot chocolate for breakfast. It was all a bit surreal, as I normally don't have breakfast. The scenery was overwhelming, I have to say. I was surrounded by vast land and all around me I just saw greeeeeeeeeeeen...green grass, green trees, green buildings, green everything, erm, almost and something inside me just 'gave'. I was able to exhale, I was able to let go. We drove around for a few more hours, and then we went home.

As soon as I stepped indoors, I dropped my suitcase on one side, jacket on the other, flung off my trainers and draped myself all over the couch. There was something about that place, the air was sooooooooo different, I felt 'high' and my spirit was lifted within me. As soon as my head it that sofa, I drifted off to sleep. I woke up, took my brace off and threw it over the back of the couch and resettled into a more comfortable sleeping position. I kept drifting in and out of sleep for the rest of the day and that was my Friday. I remember eating at some point, because a plate of food was placed in front of me, not because I had requested for it.

On Saturday, I got up and went to the kitchen for a hot chocolate, and headed straight back to bed. I don't really know what happened between then, and 4.30pm when I was finally woken up by one of my cousins... I slept like I've not slept in ages. It was a total state of rest, I wasn't thinking of anything else, I wasn't even dreaming. I was just sleeping. Normally, when I sleep, I always have at the back of my mind, a running commentary of all the tasks I've left unfulfilled and the things I need to get sorted as soon as I get up the next day. None of that this time around. I just S L E P T. It was such a wonderful experience. No phones ringing, no e-mails to respond to urgently, no tasks left undone, nothing to disrupt my sleep. Mind you, it was a conscious choice not to be reachable, not a for of access to all the 'joys' of modern technology.

On Sunday, we went to Church and one thing led to another we didn't get back home till 4.30pm. We had a festive dinner, and I had to pack my bags again. It was really a truly beautiful holiday, a wonderful break. I landed in Stansted airport, and there were about 4 other flights landing at the same time. This led to an unimagined delay in getting from the airplane to the baggage area. Luckily, I was travelling light, so I walked straight out to the coach stand. The coach was just ready to depart, and I found an ideal seat, and switched my phones back on -holiday over!- I had too many missed calls to mention, and a few text messages to respond to. Already, I felt the tension welling up inside me....

Woke up early today, did my daily devotion and left home early to get to work early. From the moment I walked in, till the minute I left, the phones were ringing off the hook -work, mobiles, - ah, the joy of being reachable at the pressing of a few buttons. It is well, I am at peace. I am too blessed to be stressed, and of course, the next holiday is in the pipeline......

This God is good oh!

These past couple of days have been amazing... I just can't find the right superlatives these days! In life, when one door closes in your face, you find yourself getting depressed and wishing things were different. Or you go running and kicking at that door, attempting to break it open. I have been neither here nor there recently.

One thing I've come to realize though, is that as one door shuts, another opens. Even if you don't recognize it as an open door, it is always there, right next to the closed doors... I have experienced boundless joy and unrivalled attention. I have had love poured into me, and dripped all over me I find it difficult to believe that I was able to exist in a different state prior to this. Until you have experienced abundance, you cannot really qualify loss. I have come to see men in a different light altogether, and I am able to appreciate a man's worth. I know now that only a person who truly loves their own self, can be happy. Only a person who is happy by their self, can be happy with someone else. It is really sad to see how many people are walking around with undetected neuroses and different stages of mental illness and nobody around them knows or sees the depth of their dis-ease.

I believe that God has blessed me with all these, as a taste of what He has in store for me. The BEST is yet to come, surely...

Cruising

My little baby and I have been going around town now for exactly two weeks. I must admit that the presence of my girlfriend who was on holiday over here gave me the courage to get behind the wheels in the first place, and with time I've gotten more confident and I am now beginning to feel more comfortable behind the wheels, and inside the car generally. I've not posted in the past few days, and it's not for a lack of something to share. I have just been too busy doing what God has called me to do - rejoicing in Him, and spreading the joy and love to all around me...

We have been to so many places, we've had so many passengers, and we've made a few successful trips to the filling station. So far, God has been sooooooooooo good, in fact He is too much. Oh, did I mention that we have had a PCN for double parking? A silly pigeon pooped on the windscreen as well, and every morning a tabby cat makes itself comfortable on the roof until we attempt to drive off. Anyway, it is well.

Lately, we have self assigned ourselves the job of personal chauffeur and 'ensure you have fun in London' envoy to the Mamuzee twins, who are currently in town for a brief visit. IF I am able to get permission from them -copyright restrictions prevent it right now- I will put up some pictures. Otherwise, for now I will just write about the great times we have been having with these blessed gentlemen...

Anyhow, it's 1am now... sleep beckons

It is finished

What a relief when a nightmare ends... The joy of rainstorms are the rainbows at the end. The hope that carries us through tunnels in life, are the lights at the end. I can't really put into words what I am feeling right now. All I know is that I am finally getting a release in my spirit that it is all over. My struggles are over, my joy is coming. Whatever I felt I would lose, I gained freedom instead. There is nothing worse on earth than being stuck in an unfruitful, negative, draining relationship. Well, maybe there is - not realizing you ARE in that kind of relationship in the first place.

The sad thing about the end of a relationship, no matter how bad it was, is extracting yourself from it. The shared dreams, goals values, all reminders of what used to be. I find it liberating to dump all those in the bin of your heart, put it all down to experience, learn the lesson from it and move on. It is finished. Es ist aus, vorbei, am Ende... Ich habe endlich meine Ruhe, kann wieder zu mir finden. Es ist fast so, als waere die Zeit stehengeblieben waehrend ich im Tiefschlaf war innerhalb einer Beziehung indem mein ICH zugrunde gegangen ist. Nun bin ich wach, und meine Seele geht wieder auf...........

It is finished. To new beginnings ;-)

signposts

A man of God recently told me, that the critical thing about signposts, is that they show us the direction we are meant to be going, but never get carried along. He said this at the end of a conversation during which he assured me of his belief in me, my goals and my potentials. He told me to look at him like a rock along my path, dat prevents me from stumbling in the wrong direction...

Those simple but powerful words struck a chord within me. If someone I call 'friend' can have so much belief in me, and be prepared to stand by me, how much more my father in heaven? Though I don't always feel his presence, and I certainly don't see him physically, I know that God is there for me, and the assurance of belief is in the little things. The kind gesture of a total stranger, a random smile exchanged with a fellow passenger on the bus, the laughter of young children, the simple things we tend to take for granted. Even as this blessed man of God promised to be there for me, I knew that God had already promised from the beginning of time to be there every step of the way, to guide, guard and protect me in ALL my ways.

My friend went on to compare signposts to Jesus' ministry. He said that Jesus taught people the principles to be rich, and as soon as they made it, they forgot the giver and focused on the gift, forgetting that with God, what it takes to get there, is what is required to REMAIN there. For a long time I sat on his wise words, and meditated on them day and night, waiting for them to take root in my spirit mind and then manifest themselves in my thought processes. I don't know how some people find it easy to walk the walk of faith. I know it's a daily struggle, and I rely heavily on my 'signposts' along the way. As the songwriter wrote: the enemies of God, STILL hate God, and they don't care for you either...

I am grateful for the signposts in my life. I am grateful for the wonderful angels disguised as friends that God has blessed me with. I am grateful for every experience I have, I believe they are all a test of my faith. I am grateful for the relationships I have knowingly walked away from now, because I believe they are just a taste of what is to come. Sometimes in life, what you are able to walk away from, determines the level at which you will eventually be rewarded. I pray for the grace to also be a signpost to people around me, I pray that my life will be a testimony to someone out there, and that someone will make heaven because of me. Dwelling in His presence...

ohne Worte - no comments

Canary Wharf, London

Ich liebe es, solche Foto zu schiessen.. solche, wo weit und breit kein Mensch zu sehen ist. Einfach nur die Natur, die Stille, usw. Ich verspuere eine bestimmte Ruhe, die selten im Alltag zu finden ist. Ich sehe darin Gottes Werk, seine Guete, seine Geduld, seine Liebe fuer sein Handwerk.

I love taking such pictures...the type where there are no human beings in sight. Just nature, tranquility,etc. I always sense a certain stillness that is rare in our day to day activities. I see in them God's doing, His patience, his love for His handiwork.

Trey and I - the story continues...

I was not sure what to do with this newfound knowledge. What had the ex replied? Were they starting off where they left off -if they ever left off at all- where was I in that relationship, but most of all, where was God in that situation? One thing was clear in my confused mind, the ex factor was not an issue. Trey was my problem, and it needed solving.

Now, a lot of things had been happening between Trey and I. His Mum had gotten involved months prior, and from the conversation we had that day I had come to see her as a rare gem and had a lot of respect for her opinion. Trey and I had been having bad arguments. As with every relationship, you reach a point where you either move forward -take the plunge and get hooked- or break up. Trey made it clear in no uncertain terms that there were certain things about my character that had to be changed before we could move forward. He told me it was my fault we were stuck in a rut, that my stubborness and refusal to change were preventing us from moving forward, and until I change, we won't. I would love to tell you that I kicked his sorry behind to the kerb, picked myself up, dusted his memory off my coat and moved on with my life. Well, no, I didn't. Instead, I looked high and low for answers, how to change in order to 'please my man'. It all sounds funny now that I am recounting it. Looking back, it seems really stoopid, but hey,..

When my poor little heart just could not take any more, I just called his mother and poured out my heart to her. She asked me what it was that he didn't like. She advised me to change those things. She said, being a mother herself, to THREE daughters, she would tell me the same things she would tell any of her daughters: BE PATIENT, HOLD YOURSELF BLAMELESS. That touched a nerve. She said, whatever you do, make sure it cannot be said in future that you were to blame for this or that. Besides, you are the woman, we women have to be patient. Afterall, I was sitting here minding my business when he called and told me he had met the woman he would marry. He also told me you guys were having some difficulties, but I am sure you will work it out. What God has ordained, no man or spirit can undo. Just be patient, listen to him and do what pleases him. Wiiiiiiiiiiise words, huh?

In the midst of all the brouhaha, I was PATIENT. While he emotionally blackmailed and verbally abused me, I WAS patient. Even when he tore my dreams apart, lay into my personality and killed my zest for life, I WAS patient. Until the day I saw that e-mail and realized I'd been played for a fool all along.

On reading that e-mail, I figured one e-mail ALWAYS deserves another, so of course I did my homework and it turned out that not only had he been e-mailing proposals to his ex, he had actually discussed the whole issue in detail with his brother-in-law, who in turn had called d young lady in question and had had words with her about how serious he was now as a human being and how honest his intentions were towards her. Well, what can a young woman do? So I called him. I don't know why, nor had I prepared a 'speech'. I just wanted to hear his side of the story before making up my mind. Afterall, I was no stranger to this gentleman!

A proverb in Yoruba goes thus: the one whom we called to blow air into our eye when we had a speck in it, crushed chilli peppers in his mouth beforehand... I spoke to the gentleman as if I had no idea he was involved. I told him what I had read, and the plans we had made for me to go and see his mother-in-law. I told him I have a lot of respect for him, and know he was in a position to speak to Trey, and that he should speak to him, and tell him to make up his mind ether way. there is no point going to meet his mother, raising everyone's hopes, only for him to turn around a few months down the line and walk his ex down the aisle. Fact is, whoever he brings home, WILL be welcomed by his family. The brother-in-law replied: well, when a lady is nearing thirty, it is getting late. You are right, there is no need to visit my in-law. In fact, I am hearing for the first time that Trey is still in touch with that particular young lady. I do know her, but I know her because they used to date some years back, and I met her at the time. I WILL talk to him, but the only thing I can't do, is come back and tell you what he said. I leave it to him to sort you out.

I packed my bags, cooked and ate dinner with Trey, and lay down beside him to sleep while we discussed what would happen while I was away. Well, I spoke and he just listened, and eventually dozed off. I so badly wanted to confront him, but there was a still, small voice telling me to hold my peace, there was no need to go away with anger/strife in the air. So I heeded that voice, went abroad without ever discussing what I had read with Trey.

When I arrived, it was soooooooo hot and there was such a long queue and there are so many other things that came up that I won't bore you with. So anyway, we came out of the airport and there were too many of us, including baggage to fit into one car, so we hired a cab as a second car. Halfway down to our destination the car gave up the ghost and I was too tired to be scared. The car got fixed, sort of, and we arrived safely at our destination. Our host gathered everyone around and we said a prayer before dinner. While she prayed, she specifically prayed for families, relationships, couples, and marriages... that was my undoing. Something inside me snapped, and I couldn't hold it together again.

Only one person noticed what I was going through. When that person asked me, I finally opened up my heart, and mouth, and spoke. As I spoke, the tears flowed freely and I was not even concerned about what it must have looked like to anybody else. For the first time in my life, I really wished I was at home, safely, under my parents' roof, within the warm embrace of my family. At the same time, I was conscious that this is what growing up is all about. Flying the nest means not running back to Daddy and Mummy every time things get tough out there. My friend, whom I will always remember for that care and concern, and quick wit as well as discernment, gave me a few words of advice, and I stuck with his words. I cleaned myself up, had a shower and light dinner, joined the others for a few minutes of TV, then retired for the night.

Woke up the next morning and made arrangements for the rest of my stay, etc. Then set out on the journey to a different part of town to meet Trey's mother as arranged. It would be a huge disappointment, and MY FAULT had I not turned up as agreed. Add to that the fact that she was expecting me. I went down there, to fulfil all righteousness. All the way through, I prayed in my spirit. I tried to sleep, but was restless. I eventually picked up my cousin from a neighbouring town, and she was to be my escort for the journey. Trey's mother picked us up from the station with a friend, and that was the encounter of a lifetime. She was just as I had pictured her from the phone conversations we had been having. Beautiful inside and out, THE proverbs 31 woman. We arrived at Trey's family home too late to do anything but eat and sleep...

London by night

It's been an amazing couple of days... I am still flowing in the spirit of 'open heavens'

Living in a city, and visiting a city are two very different things. I remember when I used to come on holiday to London, and how much I loved coming here. In particular, I enjoyed being within the black community. It was a welcome change from my regular environment as a teenager, and a source of great awe and distant respect.

After having lived here for 9years, I can confidently say I am BORED in London. I find the streets narrow and dirty, people are unfriendly and aggressive and the weather is generally nothing to write home about. Having to take my friend around the city I live and work meant explaining a lot of things, delving into the whys and the hows of English heritage and it was no mean feat. We started out on Green Street in Forest Gate, then moved on to Canary Wharf, and from there headed to Westminster to see the London Eye and the houses of Parliament. It was actually fun walking along the streets of London at night, taking pictures and generally having a 'jolly good time'.

concrete heaven or concrete hell?

Amstelveen, NL

Thank you

Hi to all my 'readers' and many, many, many, thanks for your comments. Do keep them coming. I hear there is a tube strike across London today. I wish you all journey mercies to and from work, and hopefully catch up with you at some point...

Abundant blessings
xXx

Faithful is He that has promised II

Sunday was the last day of IGOC, and the evening session was a session we have all been looking forward to. After lunch on Sunday afternoon, my girlfriends and I had our siesta -to ensure we don't doze in Church later on- and woke up just after 4pm. We got dressed, freshened up and went on our merry way to Church by foot.

A few metres from the Church, a young man asked us which direction KICC was, and I told him we were going there as well, so he was free to walk with us. We strode down leisurely, enjoying the breeze, and just generally making conversation. I guess we were too slow for the brother, who after a few minutes told us he now knew his way and walked briskly after the mini crowd that had gathered in front of us. We arrived at about 5.45pm for a service scheduled to start at 6.30pm and I kid you not, we found it almost impossible getting seats. We eventually sourced out three chairs next to each other and spread out our jackets, etc and headed straight to the conference products stand in the exhibition hall. We eventually decided against making purchases, and went back to our seats.

What can I say about that night? KICC went out of Waterden Road with a BANG!!! It was an awesome, awesome experience, and I can't find the appropriate words to quantify what I experienced in the house of God on Sunday night. The artistes were fabulous, we had Alabaster Box, 6-Team, Judy Bailey, Jessie Dixon, Sammy Okposo and Mike Aremu from differen parts of the world, and our very own Xxprexxions, TNT Choir, our MOBO award nominees G-Force and of course, KICC Mass Choir -the best choir this side of eternity as my pastor says.

God's presence was so tangible, I personally felt His presence moving in that house, and I am still revelling in the showers of blessings, mercy and grace He poured out when He opened the heavens on that service. I am convinced that all that was sown throughout this IGOC will bring forth fruit in England and beyond, and all peoples will see the glory of the Almighty God in all the earth. In particular, the theme of this year's IGOC speaks directly to my current situation. I was in a very bad place just before IGOC started, and right now, my only assurance is that I have moved. God's love shifted me away from under the closed heavens I have been operating in. There was a divine interruption in my life's journey, because what the enemy meant for evil, God has turned around for my good.

I am convinced that however tough the battles have been so far, and no matter what victories I have achieved, the war is not over yet. Bring it on devil, God is fighting my corner, and I am not afraid anymore. I am operating under open heavens and there is NOTHING that can stop me now. I don't know how, but I just know within me that whatever I am going through will pass. As long as my destiny is unfulfilled, I SHALL NOT DIE, but live to testify to God's abundant grace and blessings, and His all encompassing love. If He can do it for me, He can do it for you! Trust Him, He is ABLE

Faithful is He that has promised I

What can I say? This past weekend has been very eventful... On Friday night, one of my baby sisters in the Lord and I went to Church together, for the evening session of IGOC in my Church. We had been to my favourite spot in Stratford beforhand, for a dosis of my favourite beverage and some snacks. I was really looking forward to that session, I felt something stirring within me, and I knew it was a sign of things to come. When we got to the Church, the first hurdle we had to overcome was a seating space for both of us, side by side. We did eventually, in a spot I felt was too far from the pulpit. I immediately cautioned myself, as there were screens everywhere around us, in case we couldn't see so far ahead, but we could see the stage anyway. The session was very powerful, and I left feeling refreshed and empowered to face whatever the devil throws at me.

On Saturday, first thing in the morning, I went with my Uncle and sister to pick up my little bundle of joy. My dealer must be the sweetest dealer in the whole wide world, you know? He sent me on my way with a huge smile and a huge(r) -can I borrow that grammar?- bouquet of flowers. I drove the car home, with my siter navigating from the back in German, and my Uncle beside me in a mixture of English and Yoruba. Between us, we arrived home safely. The next task was parking, and to top it all, I had to reverse park. That's not a big deal, right? Well, on a normal day I find it hard telling my left from my right side. Now having to do that while looking back, and steering the car in the opposite direction to wherever I was headed -well, for my humble brain, that was task overload- by God's grace, I did it :-) Then I met up with my sistah again

We went window shopping in Finsbury Park and I came back with three pairs of trousers. I must admit I really needed them, I had been looking for those particular colours, so it was just as well that I got all three for a bargain price. We then decided to go and buy some fancy footwear, and hopped on the tube to Liverpool Street. Somehow, we managed not to find the exact spot for footwear, and headed to the bus station for a bus to Shoreditch, where I was more than sure would shop to our hearts' desire. We got there, but lo and behold ALL the shops were shut for the day. We decided to head back home. On getting home, we had lunch and lazed around for a few hours, after which she headed home.

On Sunday, my cousin came over bright and early for a ride to the airport to pick up a girlfriend that was arriving from abroad. Well, I've not quite gotten the hang of driving in traffic, so I definitely wasn't going to drive on the motorway. I must say God has really blessed me with this mighty man of God as a brother. He has always got my back, bless him! My little sistah arrived shortly after, and we got busy with tidying up my room -oh, the joy of possessing more than enough garments and a wardrobe that fits better in your Kinderzimmer!!! We eventually made our way to the airport, and arrived just as my friend was picking up her luggage in the baggage area -that's what I call perfect timing. After that, went to Halfords to get some stuff for the car and the only thing that caught my fancy in there were the L-plates and an orangezest scented airfreshener. My cousin drove us back, and about 2minutes away from home, he handed the keys over and we stuck the L-plates on. My first ride in traffic. We got home safely.... praise God! My cousin headed off home, to make the afternoon service in Church on time. My girls and I went into the house for lunch.

IGOC 2007 - the last night

http://www.thelastone.uk.com/

it was A W E S O M E. It's well past midnight now, and I've got a few errands to run before work tomorrow -well, today- More on this later...

Wanderlust

I love tavelling. At every given opportunity, I pack my bags and go out of my regular space. There is the anticipation of the trip, the excitement of packing, and of course the promises of new places and faces waiting to be discovered by me, and infected with my humble passion for and love of life. Every time I get to go away, I am always so happy to be going away, I pack my bags and plan my itinerary weeks in advance. When I finally get to my destination, things either go my way, or they don't, but I ALWAYS make sure I enjoy myself.

Some people see travels as a way of escaping their realities. Others on the other hand are quite simply adventurous. I guess I am a nomad at heart. Most of my travelling, is not even about the destination itself, it is about the journey. The excitement of scenery change, the apprehension, the curiousity about what's waiting on the other side. I sometimes feel an 'itch' all over me, which tells me its time to get on the move again. For years, I was convinced I would spend my life wandering from place to place, never setting down roots. I have been in one place for the past 9years though, and as much as I say I would rather be anywhere but here, I keep coming back here. That tells me my destiny is in a way tied to this place. Not that it is IN this place, but it will be manifested in this place.

A man of God once told me that when I ever I go away, I should make sure that I am not running away FROM something, because it will STILL be here when I get back. Truly, everytime something has been weighing me down, and I decide to walk away from it, it's there waiting for me when I get back. The beauty of going away though, is a symbolic release. A letting go, an opportunity to step out of the situation and really recognize it for what it is, and sorting out the best steps to take to realign itz impact on your life with the will of God for your life. So, I have a wandering spirit, some nomadic tendencies, it doesn't mean I am without roots or that I am unable to settle down. My home is not tied to one place. My home is everywhere where I can encounter God. My one true home is in God, and He is everywhere.

My Lord, He is good...

This little beauty was 'born' into my life this morning... Nothing is impossible with God! I never even dreamed of driving a car, talkless of owning one. Being 'able' to drive a car is a gift most people take for granted. Coming from where I am coming from, it IS a big deal. Come and see what the Lord has done, it is marvellous in my sight. He has opened the floodgates of heaven, and is raining down showers of blessings upon my life. This is just the beginning. What God is set to do in my life, the devil can't stand it, he can't stop it, and there's NOTHING he can do about it.

God makes everything beautiful in his own time

picture courtesy of my darling brother, who has an amazing eye for detail...

As I did my devotion this morning, a message I had read (by Bishop Jakes) came to my mind. It said soemthing along the lines of my destiny not being tied to people that left. He went on to say he had the gift of goodbye. That message really touched me when I read it, because I must admit that as distrustful as I am of new people, as soon as I let them into my heart, I let them in fully. I just open up and accommodate them to a tee. So, when the time comes to say goodbye, as it always does, I find it very hard. This is true of ALL my relationships. I've been watching myself closely, and I realize that I find it difficult to let go of people and situations, especially where I perceive an offence against myself. I just hold out for some sort of acknowledgement of wrongdoing, even if they are too proud to apologize. What makes me think I am so big that the whole world and it's brother owe me an apology every time I feel they have offended me? PRIDE. The secular world says pride goes before a fall, and oh have I fallen. Not only fallen, but landed smack bang on my face, exposed, humiliated, vulnerable each time I have fallen. The beauty is in rising up again though. They came out of us because they were not for us... for all the bad boys I have dated, they HAD to come out of me(my life), for all the friends that betrayed my trust, they HAD to come out, for all cheats, liars, dream killers, dream stealers, opprtunists I have come across in my lifetime so far, they HAD to come out, because God is taking me to a new dimension. I needed to go through those pains and hurts so I could learn compassion for people in those situations. Now that the lesson is learnt, it is time to move on to the next chapter of my lifebook. God is not anywhere near finished with me yet, and He alone is able to turn my mourning into dancing, my mess into a message and my test into a testimony. I feel so much pain, I still hurt in places I cannot even begin to describe. There are times when I look around me and ask myself why me? My assurance is that He who knows my past, present and future, who knew me before I was born, and predestined me for great things on this earth KNOWS what I am going through, and will bring me out victorious! This never too early, never too late, but right on time God 'makes everything beeautiful in His own time'... So, when situations come and people leave, I know better than to worry now. I just let go and let God deal with it. Dwelling in His presence

God always sends rainbows...after the rain!

I like this picture so much, but I can't really point to one reason why... I like it because of the memory of the day on which it was taken. I had been going through some tough times, and decided to take some time out with a friend. We had so much fun on that trip, and this picture was taken on the way back from Church on the Sunday morning. I guess in a way it represents a new hope for me. It represents a renewal of the mind, refreshing body, mind and spirit. I was so happy from the inside out, and that was a huge shift from the mindset I had at the beginning of that trip. I felt God's presence in an amazng way, I knew He was with me, He was on my side, and I would be alright no matter what. I felt empowered to come back and face the mess I had left behind. I felt encouraged to be a better person, for MY sake...

I read the above caption today, and it really touched my soul. It's good to know that after every rainfall, there will be a rainbow. His Word tells me that though weeping may endure for the night, joy comes in the morning. There's a particular song that has been on my lips all day (Hillsong's how great is our God) It has just been going round and round in my head, that the devil has tried so many times to kill me, but he has been unsuccessful so far. The reason he has not been able to do so, is because God is on my side. The reason why he keeps coming after me, is because God is on my side. I tell you, there is no greater joy than knowing that God is fighting your corner. A man of God once said the depths to which you fall, determine the heights to which you will soar. I've learnt not to moan and whine about my tests, because I know I will come out with a testimony. I have learnt to look beyond what people do, to avoid taking offence, because those people did not create me, nor do they know my assignment here on earth. God knows though, and I believe all thing work together for my good. No experience this side of heaven is wasted, it is all for a reason, part of God's great plan for my life. I have learnt to rejoice even in the midst of my trials, because whatever I am going through, it SHALL surely pass, it is my doorway to victory. I heard this week that if the devil can't take my joy, he can't steal my blessing. PROFOUND! He can only take my joy IF I let him, though, and that is the last thing I want to do. I am rejoicing in the fact that the devil is so interested in me to try to stop me, it makes me realize I am a carrier of something so great, he is terrified to see me birth it. Like my pastor says, what God is set to do in my life, the devil can't stand it, he can't stop it, and there's nothing he can do about it!!!

Trey and I

There's somethng about travelling that I can't explain. I love to travel, I love being on the move. The beauty of travelling, is finding the tranquil places, finding the unique spots, the right moment to capture the beauty of that place. I hope I did that with this picture. It was taken when I visited Nigeria. This is a view from the verandah of the Owa's palace. Imagine what that mighty man of God sees every time he looks out of his window... He can gaze down upon his subjects, and at the same time gaze up to ask for the grace and strength from the Almighty to rule that little village in line with His word and purpose for that town. I chose this picture because it signifies the peace and joy I felt during the time I was in that part of Nigeria with my family. We had an amazing stay. If you look closely, the clouds are actually gathering and it was raining in the distance. That too, signifies my state of mind during that period in my life. I went to Igbajo with my family about 7 days into my stay in Nigeria. Just the day before I left, I discovered that Trey, who I had been dating for about 2years till then, had proposed marriage to another woman! It wasn't some random woman, a woman he had dated on and off for close to 5 years at some point in his life. I wasn't sure what to do with that piece of information, as we had arranged for me to visit his Mum whilst I was in Nigeria...

Can I be real with you? I feel that I have to be brutally honest with myself, and stop trying to hide the nature of that relationship lest I find myself drawn into a similar situation again in future just because I was too proud to admit I had failed, or was wrong. I hear men and women of God saying that being born again is not a cure all for life's afflictions; the assurance of faith is that we are well equipped to handle those situations. This sentence has become so real to me, because I have lived it. I have experienced pain, hurt, trials, afflictions, and countless disappointments as a Christian. Still, I put my faith in God to see me through, believing that I must go through each test in order to come out with a testimony. I've also heard it being said in the house that we should be extra wary of our weaknesses when we were in the world, because that will be the devil's line of attack on our lives as a Christian. Well, I know my weakness - emotionally depraved, abusive young men with low self esteem and a lack of respect for authority. Do I sense something like opposites attract? Well, I am a big sucker for people I perceive to be less advantaged. You may see it as a weakness, but I believe therein lies my ministry. I am just yet to find the best way to explore it ;-) Abuse does not have to be physical, it can also be verbal/emotional. You don't see me as the type of woman who would be abused by a man? It's exactly people like me, who have it all together, who just know how to organize and order things, that end up being controlled and frustrated by people we manage to let go and 'be weak' around. Am I making sense yet? Don't worry, it will all come together soon enough. Low self-esteem is not a strange word to me. For most people that know me, it is probably the furthest character trait from me in your mind, but let me break it down for you. Like everybody else out there, I had hopes, plans, dreams. They all came crashing down a few years back when I was involved in a tragic car accident. Somehow, I 'lost' something that day, and it is not something anyone can ever give back to me except Jesus. You know how the preachers say you have a vacuum in your life till you meet Jesus? Well I inherited a vacuum in my life after I met Jesus. Do you see how clear it was that I was already living the 'be wary of your weakness in the world' experience? Before I gave my life, I was very angry, temperamental, moody. I found peace in Jesus, I was able to let go of a lot of people and situations that made me mad. I just opened up my heart, and He cleaned me out, turned me inside out and made me wholly at peace. Then the accident, and the 'wait' to get well... I waited, and waited, and waited to be physically healed, made whole again. I am still waiting. Somewhere along the line, I lost people along the way, people who encouraged me and upheld my faith and hope. These were probably the only people who really knew what I was going through on a spiritual and physical level. Let me just clarify that they did not pass away, the left, as in there was distance between us. I felt like my pillars had been torn down, I turned to God for an uplifiting, and rebuilding and I just wasn't strong enough to see even that through. So yes, I had low self esteem. I had lost the pride I once had in my physical self, but most importantly, my spirit was downcast within me and I was too busy proving to people that I had it all together to even nurture my hurting spirit. Mostly because people kept telling me how they were inspired by my strength, my faith, my outlook on life. That should have been enough to fill my vacuum, right? Well, it wasn't. Do I lack respect for authority? Of course not. Not the me you know anyway. The truth is, I DO have a rebellious streak. I've never quite liked following the crowd, or doing something just because I am told to. Even if I follow the crowd, I will research the aims and purposes of that crowd, and have a conviction within myself that it makes sense to follow that crowd; and if anyone wanted me to do something, they had better be ready to tell me why, what relevance it had to my life/dream and how doing it would benefit the greater good of humanity. Else, tough... So I am not all that much different from the type of guys I normally attract. That was in the world, right?

When you become born again, there is a renewing of your mind. You become a whole new person in Christ, as you begin to discover the gifts God had already planted in you from birth. You then start venturing out into the world of testing your gifts, blessing others with your gifts, and generally being a testimony of God's great love and mercy. So, God has placed certain gifts within me, this I was sure of. I was even sure of the gifts and how I was meant to use them. I learnt a lot of theory on how to lead a Christian life, and especially how to relate to non Christians. My pastor says a single person is a person who is separate, unique and whole. That is, they exist by themselves, are unique individuals, and know who they are in Christ. Now, remember my weakness in the world... Those people were definitely not single. Year in, year out, I attended single's programmes, conferences, whatever. All this time not fully convinced I wanted to have a part of the 'marriage institution'. I finally began to believe certain truths as I grew in faith, and was even convinced I was ready to meet that honourable man of God and get married. Then came the big test. I've read that God never puts a burden on us that is too heavy for us to bear, and that all things work together for the good of those who trust in God and are called according to His purpose in Vhrist. I have also heard it preached that God will not only bless you with His word, you will find yourself in situations where that knowledge will be put to test. Trey was my test, and I must admit I failed woefully.

Going back to the point where I found out about the marriage proposal, I was shocked. I was hurt, I was embarassed. My heart pumped so fast, I could hear it beating and blocking out the hustle and bustle of the world around me. I know the heart is a muscle, and can therefore not literally break, but I tell you I felt my heart do something. It did NOT break, it was smashed into pieces. So here I was again, even as a Christian, left to pick up the pieces of my heart after a man who couldn't treasure it enough, and did not have the decency to just leave it be, but had to smash it on his way out of my life. Sigh. I thought being a Christian, and dating a fellow Christian meant I would never have to go through that kind of mess again in my lifetime. Well, I now know better. This is just the beginning of the different chapters of my life with Trey. I am still undecided as to whether or not I should write the whole Trey story in one go, or write about other things and throw in a Trey chapter here and there. As the Lord leads...