Trey and I

There's somethng about travelling that I can't explain. I love to travel, I love being on the move. The beauty of travelling, is finding the tranquil places, finding the unique spots, the right moment to capture the beauty of that place. I hope I did that with this picture. It was taken when I visited Nigeria. This is a view from the verandah of the Owa's palace. Imagine what that mighty man of God sees every time he looks out of his window... He can gaze down upon his subjects, and at the same time gaze up to ask for the grace and strength from the Almighty to rule that little village in line with His word and purpose for that town. I chose this picture because it signifies the peace and joy I felt during the time I was in that part of Nigeria with my family. We had an amazing stay. If you look closely, the clouds are actually gathering and it was raining in the distance. That too, signifies my state of mind during that period in my life. I went to Igbajo with my family about 7 days into my stay in Nigeria. Just the day before I left, I discovered that Trey, who I had been dating for about 2years till then, had proposed marriage to another woman! It wasn't some random woman, a woman he had dated on and off for close to 5 years at some point in his life. I wasn't sure what to do with that piece of information, as we had arranged for me to visit his Mum whilst I was in Nigeria...

Can I be real with you? I feel that I have to be brutally honest with myself, and stop trying to hide the nature of that relationship lest I find myself drawn into a similar situation again in future just because I was too proud to admit I had failed, or was wrong. I hear men and women of God saying that being born again is not a cure all for life's afflictions; the assurance of faith is that we are well equipped to handle those situations. This sentence has become so real to me, because I have lived it. I have experienced pain, hurt, trials, afflictions, and countless disappointments as a Christian. Still, I put my faith in God to see me through, believing that I must go through each test in order to come out with a testimony. I've also heard it being said in the house that we should be extra wary of our weaknesses when we were in the world, because that will be the devil's line of attack on our lives as a Christian. Well, I know my weakness - emotionally depraved, abusive young men with low self esteem and a lack of respect for authority. Do I sense something like opposites attract? Well, I am a big sucker for people I perceive to be less advantaged. You may see it as a weakness, but I believe therein lies my ministry. I am just yet to find the best way to explore it ;-) Abuse does not have to be physical, it can also be verbal/emotional. You don't see me as the type of woman who would be abused by a man? It's exactly people like me, who have it all together, who just know how to organize and order things, that end up being controlled and frustrated by people we manage to let go and 'be weak' around. Am I making sense yet? Don't worry, it will all come together soon enough. Low self-esteem is not a strange word to me. For most people that know me, it is probably the furthest character trait from me in your mind, but let me break it down for you. Like everybody else out there, I had hopes, plans, dreams. They all came crashing down a few years back when I was involved in a tragic car accident. Somehow, I 'lost' something that day, and it is not something anyone can ever give back to me except Jesus. You know how the preachers say you have a vacuum in your life till you meet Jesus? Well I inherited a vacuum in my life after I met Jesus. Do you see how clear it was that I was already living the 'be wary of your weakness in the world' experience? Before I gave my life, I was very angry, temperamental, moody. I found peace in Jesus, I was able to let go of a lot of people and situations that made me mad. I just opened up my heart, and He cleaned me out, turned me inside out and made me wholly at peace. Then the accident, and the 'wait' to get well... I waited, and waited, and waited to be physically healed, made whole again. I am still waiting. Somewhere along the line, I lost people along the way, people who encouraged me and upheld my faith and hope. These were probably the only people who really knew what I was going through on a spiritual and physical level. Let me just clarify that they did not pass away, the left, as in there was distance between us. I felt like my pillars had been torn down, I turned to God for an uplifiting, and rebuilding and I just wasn't strong enough to see even that through. So yes, I had low self esteem. I had lost the pride I once had in my physical self, but most importantly, my spirit was downcast within me and I was too busy proving to people that I had it all together to even nurture my hurting spirit. Mostly because people kept telling me how they were inspired by my strength, my faith, my outlook on life. That should have been enough to fill my vacuum, right? Well, it wasn't. Do I lack respect for authority? Of course not. Not the me you know anyway. The truth is, I DO have a rebellious streak. I've never quite liked following the crowd, or doing something just because I am told to. Even if I follow the crowd, I will research the aims and purposes of that crowd, and have a conviction within myself that it makes sense to follow that crowd; and if anyone wanted me to do something, they had better be ready to tell me why, what relevance it had to my life/dream and how doing it would benefit the greater good of humanity. Else, tough... So I am not all that much different from the type of guys I normally attract. That was in the world, right?

When you become born again, there is a renewing of your mind. You become a whole new person in Christ, as you begin to discover the gifts God had already planted in you from birth. You then start venturing out into the world of testing your gifts, blessing others with your gifts, and generally being a testimony of God's great love and mercy. So, God has placed certain gifts within me, this I was sure of. I was even sure of the gifts and how I was meant to use them. I learnt a lot of theory on how to lead a Christian life, and especially how to relate to non Christians. My pastor says a single person is a person who is separate, unique and whole. That is, they exist by themselves, are unique individuals, and know who they are in Christ. Now, remember my weakness in the world... Those people were definitely not single. Year in, year out, I attended single's programmes, conferences, whatever. All this time not fully convinced I wanted to have a part of the 'marriage institution'. I finally began to believe certain truths as I grew in faith, and was even convinced I was ready to meet that honourable man of God and get married. Then came the big test. I've read that God never puts a burden on us that is too heavy for us to bear, and that all things work together for the good of those who trust in God and are called according to His purpose in Vhrist. I have also heard it preached that God will not only bless you with His word, you will find yourself in situations where that knowledge will be put to test. Trey was my test, and I must admit I failed woefully.

Going back to the point where I found out about the marriage proposal, I was shocked. I was hurt, I was embarassed. My heart pumped so fast, I could hear it beating and blocking out the hustle and bustle of the world around me. I know the heart is a muscle, and can therefore not literally break, but I tell you I felt my heart do something. It did NOT break, it was smashed into pieces. So here I was again, even as a Christian, left to pick up the pieces of my heart after a man who couldn't treasure it enough, and did not have the decency to just leave it be, but had to smash it on his way out of my life. Sigh. I thought being a Christian, and dating a fellow Christian meant I would never have to go through that kind of mess again in my lifetime. Well, I now know better. This is just the beginning of the different chapters of my life with Trey. I am still undecided as to whether or not I should write the whole Trey story in one go, or write about other things and throw in a Trey chapter here and there. As the Lord leads...